Week 32: Spiced Apple Cookies

This week I chose to bake spiced apple cookies.  My "brother from another mother" Christopher aka Ferf was home for a few days, and  requested a "guest appearance" on the cookie blog. ☺  The writing portion of Ferf's "guest appearance" is located at the end of my blog below the photos...don't miss it. ☺ Ferf suggested an apple themed cookie as Michigan is well known for it's apple production, and he currently resides in Astoria, New York aka "the big apple."  I loved the idea so I searched the internet for an apple cookie recipe and settled on this one. It is similar in taste and texture to an oatmeal cookie.  In fact if I could make a change to the recipe, I'd add some rolled oats to the batter before baking...YUM.  The recipe requires the same spices used in apple pie, so the result is kind of like an apple pie in a cookie form. The cookies are yummy and they smelled wonderful while baking.  Here is the link to the recipe that we used: http://www.thenaptimechef.com/2009/10/spiced-apple-cookies-apple-mania-recipe/

As I mentioned above Ferf currently lives in Astoria, NY, so we don't get to see each as often as I'd like.  In truth, I'd love love love to see family every weekend so anything less than that is not as often as I'd like. ☺ When Ferf was in college he attended "that other university" (Go Spartans!) so he lived in Ann Arbor.  It's weird that now he is all the way in NY, but we see each other about as frequently as we did when he was in MI. Since Ferf was home he was able to attend Victoria's birthday party yesterday.  Then today he decided to come over for another visit.  While he was here we played "Dance Central" on  XBOX KINECT, and then we baked the cookies.   While we were preparing the dough, Victoria took pictures of us (see pictures on the left) and then helped out a bit.  Ryan helped too...he loves to use my chopper so he helped me chop apples. When he was done chopping apples, he went to play video games.  After a bit he came back into the kitchen singing "some one's in the kitchen with cookies" to the tune of "I've Been Working on the Railroad."  We all laughed and then we sang "some one's in the kitchen with Ferfie" to the same tune.  It got me thinking about my Jido Eddie.  He used to sing that song when I was a kid.  I don't remember him singing very often,  but when he did it was one of the following songs: "I've Been Working on the Railroad, Oh My Darlin' Clementine, Show Me the Way to Go Home, and The Chicken in the Car Song."  Ferf said he remembered Jido singing those songs too.☺

After the cookies came out of the oven, Ferf had to leave.  He was going to "my other brother from another mother" (Jim...he and Ferf are twins) and Kimmy's house for dinner. We tentatively have plans to see each other again tomorrow, as we are hoping to meet my sister Amy and her kids at the movies.  Even with the knowledge that Ferf will be home a few more days, and I'll most likely see him again tomorrow, I was really sad after he left.  I miss him all the time of course, but I actually missed him more while he was here.  Weird right? Well that sentiment got me to thinking and here is what I have figured out.  I think I kind of keep the part of my heart that loves Ferf shielded a little bit...so it's protected from the sadness that comes with him living so far from me.  I know he is only a phone call, text, or Facebook message away, but it isn't the same as spending actual one on one time with him.  So when he is actually standing there in front of me, that shield gets lowered, and I really connect to the feelings that I have guarded myself from.  I am uncertain that I can even explain the phenomenon appropriately, but I think it demonstrates how it's possible to miss someone who is standing next to you in your kitchen.  It's kind of like not realizing how hungry you are until there is a plate of delicious food in front of you, or not realizing how tired you are until you actually sit down.  Similarly, I guess it's possible sometimes that you just don't realize how much you miss someone until you actually see them in person again.

This of course got me thinking about my Mom.  I think I do the same thing regarding my feelings about her.  I think about her absence and miss her every single day, but I can only take the sadness that results in small doses.  I cannot handle it all at once.  I keep my heart shielded from it most of the time, because it is not possible to carry on a normal or productive life if I allow myself to "feel" her absence every time I think about it.  Unfortunately, I do not always have control over the feelings that arise when the shield gets lowered. For instance, I was happy to be baking with Ferfie today so I didn't shield my heart at all.  BUT, because my heart was left "unprotected" the sadness crept in right behind the happiness.  When this happens, I have a day like today, where I am feeling okay, and then BAM I am blindsided with overwhelming sadness related to my Mom's absence.  Then the loss feels HUGE, and never ending, and for the life of me I cannot find a way out from underneath it.  After some time it passes, and my heart is again secure, but only until "the next time."  I have a difficult time with things like "the shield" as it isn't in my nature to be guarded or cagey at all.  I am usually an open book, a "what you see is what you get" kind of person.  So it is foreign to me to have to "wall off" whole chunks of my heart from myself, but at times I know it is necessary to do so. 

So today as I baked with Ferfie and my kids, and sang songs that reminded me of my Jido, my shield vanished and all of the "walled off" feelings reappeared. After some reflection, I guess the biggest lesson in all of this is that we cannot remain "shielded" forever.  Eventually we have to lay down our arms and take life as it comes. If we remain "shielded" to protect our hearts from the sad things in life, we shield ourselves from the wonderful things too. I do not want to exist that way. I want to laugh really loud when something is funny.  I want to do cartwheels if the mood strikes.  I want to sing at the top of my lungs when I am in the car with Dan and the kids.  I want to feel it all... "unshielded."  I guess that means that I have to risk getting my feelings hurt too.  I'll have to risk feeling sad when I think about my Mom.  I'll have to risk missing her every single day, and I'll have to risk shedding a tear when Ferfie boards the plane back to "the big apple."  ♥


Reviewing the recipe





Victoria adding the apples and walnuts

 

 

Ferf's blog:

 

As many of you know from reading Christine's Cookie-of-the-Week Blog (I will from here on out refer to her as Key Key, as it is a bit bizarre for me to call her by any other name), the past year and a 1/2 have been a bit tumultuous for the Carter/Sutherland/Joseph family. To cope, I have made my 2011 mantra: "New People, New Experiences," pressuring myself to expand my social circle while trying new things. Much like Key Key's cookie blog (which - not to steal her thunder - I urged her to write after starting a blog of mine own; though, mine was far less successful), I recently joined a writing group in order to meet both of these goals: 1) it's a group of 7 people I know nothing about and 2) it is encouraging me not only to write again, which I find to be quite cathartic, but to share my work, something that often makes me uncomfortable. In fact, I am pausing from a story I'm working on to write this blog entry now. When I gave Key Key the granule of inspiration to start this blog, I never thought I'd have the opportunity to be a guest chef/blogger. And I love love love ( :-P ) to be doing so.

 

I have been off from work for the past week and a 1/2, and still have three days of vacation left here in MI. The latter seven days of my two weeks off have been spent housesitting for my father while he is on vacation. Having the place to myself has been quite relaxing; it's quiet (quite the opposite of New York City) and has given me a lot of time to reflect on things. When I think about the last year a 1/2, I have come home numerous times: for weddings, funerals, family parties, family vacations/memorials, holidays, etc. In fact, I can't think of a time since the age of 18, when I moved to college, that I was home for a solid seven days with nothing planned or as a result of a family crisis. And honestly, it's been wonderful.

 

My decision to move to New York City nearly 3 years ago wasn't an easy one; leaving people you love never is. However, the day I packed my father's truck up with boxes full of IKEA furniture needing assembly, my aunt, (Key Key's mother, who raised my twin brother and me from the age of 4, and the only mother I ever really knew) was having terrible pains in her sides and was wearing her jacket in preparation to a visit to the emergency room. She hugged me goodbye and assured me she was fine, not to worry, and to concentrate on my move and my new job. It was very much like her to worry about anyone or anything but herself. Little did we know that the pains would signify kidney problems, complications of her diabetes, which would only shed light upon a series of severe health complications in the months to follow.

 

Taking a step back at my little cousin's birthday party this past Saturday, I looked at each of my family members in attendance: my brother Jim, my sister-in-law Kim, my cousins Amy and Key Key (and their husbands Jeff and Danny), my Uncle, and my little cousins Ryan, Victoria, Ian and Yvonne, and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by my aunt's essence. It pains me to not be able to see or talk to these people every day, but I must say that the comfort they bring me never alters, a comfort that I always felt when around my aunt. I was an anxious child, and in many ways am still a very anxious adult, but I found solace simply being in my aunt's company, and felt that calmness again at this birthday party for the first time since my aunt's passing.

 

Needless to say, Key Key and Amy have been like sisters to me, and Key Key has always been one that I have looked up to and trusted. We share many things in common, I'm named after her for heaven's sake, both lived in the same basement bedroom, have a knack for crafts, and love dancing and mixed drinks. As a child, I often found myself wanting to hang out with her in her soon-to-be-mine basement bedroom, trying oh so very hard to stay awake through all of Saturday Night Live. Some of my favorite summer vacations, too, were spent with her and her then-boyfriend Danny camping or at Danny's grandmother's cottage in Caseville. As I grew older, I enjoyed weekend stays at her and Danny's apartment in Sterling Heights, making egg sandwiches and playing games at their house on Marine, and now enjoy spending time at their beautiful home in Richmond Twp. Today, as I danced (and subsequently beat Key Key) to a virtual video game, stuffed my face with "raw" foods, and helped bake the "cookie of the week" - all of which are new to me - I took another moment of pause to savor new experiences and a relationship I've come to appreciate and build upon each time I come home.